My heart is pounding. I can hear the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. I feel the heaviness of apprehension and anxiety on my chest. I'm taking short, shallow breaths and the taste of bile is in my throat. I feel suddenly conscience of my hands and I squeeze them closed and then open and find my palms quickly become sweaty with fear. I reach forward and take the handle in my clammy hand and pull.
So began the first day of my job hunt. I felt the stainless steel over sized door handle slip in my hand from the sweat on my palms. Ugh. I groaned on the inside. The thought of going back to the land of the cubicle has me completely tweaked out on the inside.
Herb and I have talked about it a great deal. We spent months discussing our options. We really want and well, okay, need that bigger house to fit our business and our family. But it would definitely mean a life change for us. I would need to go back to work in order to truly afford it without pain. And if I'm going to work, well then I guess I should get one with good benefits since as self employed people most of us don't have health insurance.
All that said - that probably means going back into the cubicle farm. Going back to a place where I've had a lot of luck getting work because I'm pretty good friends with Microsoft and can run all your usual office machines and can dress and talk like a grown up. I thought it would be piece of cake.
But a strange thing happened on my way to the office. I got sick to my stomach and wanted desperately to go home and hug my kids and be hugged by my husband. Apparently over the last two years I've worked hard to build a life where I helped where needed and was a wife and mother. And I'm getting much better at it now that I have the support of a great man. (And he is a great man). I like it. No - I would say I love it and I'm getting better at it every day. I don't want going back to work to mess that up.
Plus - I've changed. My values have and continue to change. We are talking about solar panels and chicken coops and growing some of our own food. We've cancelled our Dish Network membership and we're buying more books. We are starting to "unplug" those things which demand our money and time but offer little in return. We've chosen to buy sensible cars and drive our old Subaru when gas prices started to climb. My new motto, "Conserve Fuel! Drive your ugly car!"
When I return to office life I will be exposed to a lifestyle on a daily basis I've been working to shed. I'm an easily influenced person and I'm intimidated by giant conference tables in window walled rooms with overstuffed chairs you can't lean back in. Well, you could, but you'd look ridiculous.
This may all sound silly to you but I'm reminded of the passage in 1 Corinthians 15:33, "Be not led astray; evil communications corrupt good manners;". I'm not saying that going back to work in the SUV driving, suit wearing, Bahama vacation taking, blackberry carrying world is evil. It's not. It's the belief system I had that I should be striving for that. That is is what I've been trying to shed. And as I've said - I'm easily swayed. But I'm getting better. Basically I think I will be tremendously influenced by those I spend a great deal of time around and I've become fairly picky about that. I'm afraid of becoming derailed from the direction I've finally found.
So - bottom line. This job search thing has me all twisted up inside - unsure of what to do. Not that there is a wrong thing to do. Just what is right for our family. I think it's the feeling I would get just before jumping off of something very high with nothing but a very small 'chute and a prayer.
Of course it could just be what my husband says.
"You're just freaking out because you haven't had a real job in years. That's scary."
My simple Nebraskan farm boy. :-)
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